My mood only darkened since yesterday. I have no idea what is up with me, except that my partner is about to go away to a festival called Burningman, and I am staying home. It’s this continued mourning of my old life, my old body, my sense of loss of who I used to be. I know that I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in, staying strong for everyone around me. Why do we do that? What is it that makes us think that not crying or falling apart is strong? I think it takes strength to fall apart and let the emotions wash over us. So, tonight I invited myself to just fall apart. I got in the shower and started to lightly touch myself all over as the hot water poured down on my neck and shoulders. I curled up in the bathtub and let the water rain down on me. i tried some clitoral stimulation as I laid there, but my body seemed non-responsive. Then the tears came. Ah, what a pleasurable relief. Sometimes tears are like orgasms coming out the eyes. It felt good to let that go. But I knew there was more. I got out of the shower and decided to journal as way to continue to move this emotion, this great grief to flow through and out. As I wrote I realized many things, one that really set me crying was how much I missed my partner. Overall, we have done very well as new parents, but in all the logistics and lack of time, I miss him dearly. I miss laying in bed on Sunday mornings, making love, walking to the beach together for brunch, going home, making love some more, dancing…I miss being languishing lovers. I miss all the touching, kissing and lovemaking. I let the tears flow and it felt so good. I started feeling better instantly. Sometimes, all we need is a good cry!