I’m feeling very emotional as I write this.  I just finished a long session of cervical massage and exploration.  I want to cry.  I had great pleasure, don’t get me wrong.  My tears are about the changes in my body.  Having a baby seems to change everything.  Before I got pregnant I was very close with my vulva, vagina and cervix.  I remember back to the first time I ever saw my cervix.  I was the youngest in a group of women from age 29-over 70.  We were learning how to do self examinations.  That day was a day that changed my life forever.  I got to see my own cervix and my os (the opening to the cervix) which was a tiny little round hole, so beautiful and perfect.  At the moment I was looking I started my menstrual cycle and it seems like and utter miracle happening before my eyes.  I kept my speculum that was given to me that day and have checked in on my os from time to time.

Today was the first time looking at my cervix since giving birth.  It is no longer a tiny little hole, now it is a big slit, almost looks like a vagina inside my vagina, only lying sideways.  I am morning the fact that my body has changed.  Giving birth was amazing and I love my baby, but sometimes I want everything to go back.  At the moment that I was looking I wasn’t mourning, just exploring, it’s just now that I am feeling these feelings.  The shift from maiden to mother has not been easy, the hardest part being all of the changes in my body.  I am sure that I will continue to fall in love with the “new” me, but at this moment I am sad, and that is okay.

I prepared for the session with my speculum, a mirror, so lube, and a flashlight.  After putting in my speculum and visually exploring my cervix, I decided to do some cervical massage.  So I removed the speculum and I massaged around my cervix with one finger tip, going around and around in circles.  My cervix felt softer than I remembered it.  Then I used two fingers to massage circles around my cervix, then directly on it.  I could put my finger tip slightly into the os, which felt pretty good.  This all felt nice and I could feel my cervix respond.  I wanted to feel “uterine flight” (when the cervix moves up and back, so that you can get deeper penetration) and “uterine pulsing” (the cervix moves up and down at the moment of orgasm.   I kept my index finger on top of my cervix and my middle finger on the bottom.  Then with my other hand I gave myself clitoral stimulation.  Trying to keep my fingers on my cervix was hard.  As I got more aroused it was harder and harder to reach which tells me that “uterine flight” was happening.  I could actually feel it with my fingers.  But it was difficult for me to have an orgasm with my fingers trying to reach my cervix, so I turned to G-spot and A-spot stimulation.  This got me highly aroused and I ended up having a number of vaginal orgasms, upon which I would go deep to my cervix so that I could feel it’s movement.  I really wanted to feel the different between the vaginal orgasm and clitoral orgasm, so I kept working my clitoris with my fingers deep on my cervix.  At the moment of clitoral orgasm I didn’t feel the same bobbing of the cervix as I did with vaginal orgasm.  This is interesting to note.  Directly after all these orgasms I wanted to look at my cervix again.  I was impressed with how healthy and pink it looked.  It also seems swollen with arousal, and it looked a little more open when I checked post orgasm.  I hoped up quickly and came down from the loft, a little too quickly, my legs were shaking and I was feeling really high from all of the orgasms.  It wasn’t until about 15 minutes later that I got hit with emotion, which I don’t see as a bad thing, I am allowing the sadness to flow as I mourn my maiden body and come to terms with loving myself and my body as a mother.