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Day 98: A 5-Toy Anal Exploration!

WHEW! This was quite the session, over and hour of play with 5 different sex toys. My intention was to explore some anal play. I have this great toy and I have no idea what it is called. I got it from the Adult Novelties Expo in 2008. It’s a steal piece, shaped like a curvy number seven with a large ball at the top and a small ball at the bottom (you can see it in the video). The large end goes inside your anus and the small part inside of your vagina. It’s curved in a such a ways that you get really intense stimulation at the roof of your vagina, on or near your g-spot area. I played with this toy a lot the fall of 2008, and then forgot about it. It’s been beckoning me from the love loft.

I have to back up a bit. I started the session knowing that i was going to go into anal play, so I did a bit of prep, making sure I had some lubricant, my anal toys, and that I had cleaned the area properly. Sometimes I do an enema, but today I felt some light cleaning was enough. I went up to the love loft ready for a long and pleasurable session. I started by building arousal with a new toy. Kissa, by Eden Fantasys, is a glass vibrator with a great bumpy texture at its head. I took Sheri Winston’s advice and played around all over before going to my clitoris. Then I found a stroke that was really great. I went up and down over my clit with the Kissa as opposed to side to side like I normally do when using my hands. This felt good and I could have had a deep clitoral orgasm, but I wanted to do my anal play.

I stopped with the Kissa and did some external anal massage with my fingers to warm myself up before inserting anything. I got out a mirror and took a look at my anus to see how things were going. I noticed a bit of residual scar tissue that Ellen Heed and I must have missed when working to rid my pelvic floor of the painful scars from giving birth. I made a note to get another session with Ellen specific to the anal scar. When I felt that my anus was ready I inserted the seven shaped steal toy. WOW! I love the intense g-spot stimulation it gives me. It happens anytime that I contract my pelvic floor with this toy inside of me. Then I added the Kissa back in. I decided that I wasn’t going to use my pattern and instead was intending to have a deep orgasm with the glass vibrator. It worked too! I had a lovely intense orgasm. Upon orgasm the Seven shaped toy was pushed out by my pelvic floor muscles.

Now that I was all warmed up I wanted to try some of the other anal toys I had never tried. I got out a beautiful glass piece that I got from Liberator a few years ago. Its full of color and has a gorgeous rose bud at the base. It felt great inside. Now I thought about dual penetration. I had the Kegelcisor handy so inserted that into my vagina. It was a very full feeling with glass and steal inside of me. I did that for awhile and then tried my fingers instead of the Kegelcisor. It was cool to feel the glass toy pushing up into my vaginal canal and I could see how women get g-spot stimulation from anal penetration. Then I went to my old faithful and started using my finger on my clitoris. I had a very powerful and intensely pleasurable orgasm.

Okay, onto the next anal toy. The Tantus Ryder, a silicon butt plug. I wanted to feel the different between steal, glass and silicon. Vaginally I know that I prefer the harder materials. Would I feel the same when it came to anal stimulation. The Tantus Ryder is bigger, and the soft material made it harder for me to insert it easily. However, once inside it felt good. I liked contracting around the softer material. I returned to a little kiss and could feel the vibration internally. I played with my clitoris with the Kissa again. It was nice and pleasurable. I wanted to go back to manual stimulation of my clitoris. I very quickly had another orgasm, this one was lighter, but still intense.

I gave my pelvic floor a workout! The session lasted over an hour and it was wonderful to take the time for myself. I hopped in the shower after and relaxed in the steam. A perfect ending to a lovely session of self-love.

Note: If anyone can help me figure out the name of the mystery anal/g-spot toy, I’ll send you a free DVD of your choice!

Day 96-Mastubation Magic

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You may have heard of sex magic, tonight I decided to try a little self-pleasure magic! I had the opportunity to study with Kenneth Ray Stubbs, sacred sex author and filmmaker. He taught me about the 4 elements of sexuality.

1)Water Sex- Pleasure Sex

2) Air Sex- Romantic Love

3) Fire Sex- Transformational or Energy Merging Sex

and 4) Earth Sex- Sex for Procreation.

I like to think that Earth Sex can be sex for PRO-CREATION, in other words something is manifested as a result of sexual energy, expression and pleasure. I set an intention that my orgasm help to manifest the safe return of my partner on his journey home. As I self-pleasured I kept breathing deeply and holding the intention that my partner return safely home to my arms. I had this sense that he would be leaving the Playa early, that he was missing me and our son. On the way to Burningman the car kept overheating, so I kept the visualization that his journey home was smooth, safe and quick. It was a nice way to connect with him. As I write this I notice that I have been connecting with him these last few days even if we can’t e-mail or call. I’ve been connecting with him through these self-pleasure sessions. What a great way to stay intimate even though we are hundreds of miles away from each other!

Day 95- Compersion Fantasy

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Today was the official launch of my new Oral Sex series, so there was a lot to celebrate. The new season of my Radio Show also started. The topic was Lube. It is always such a joy to talk openly about sexuality with other people. And my Radio Show is like an hour of foreplay! I love it. After the show I went out for a celebration dinner, and I purchases a new camera (this is a little retail therapy!). I hope to start posting regular video blogs as this journey comes to an end. I’ve been self-pleasuring a lot these last few days, late at night, early in the morning, in the afternoon. My main sexual partner being gone frees up a lot more time for self love.

Today my mood was high. I felt great. Accomplishment is a wonderful aphrodisiac for me. I played with some fantasy tonight. I was imagining my partner at Burningman having the most fantastic time, flirting with other women, making out, getting his sexy on. Imagining him having so much fun was a huge turn on. Culturally, I think that most people would see this as odd. But I don’t get jealous really. Instead I experience something called Compersion, which is when you actually love it when your partner is loving or being loved by someone else. When I know my partner is having a great time, even if it is without me, I feel really happy. I love the idea of Compersion, it feels so much better than jealousy, which we have come to equate with love. In my self-pleasure today I indulged in my turn-on through this state of seeing my partner erotically happy! I eventually had a wonderful clitoral and g-spot combined orgasm as I floated off in a blissfull sleepy state.

Day 94-Getting My Sexy On

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First of all I started the day off with a great clitoral orgasm, did some work and then headed off to my first Strip Tease and Pole Dancing class. I just signed up to 8 weeks of getting my sexy on. It’s part of this commitment to myself to do things that feed me, my soul and my sexy. So, after 2 hours of LA traffic, I finally arrived at the studio. I was very surprised. It was dimly lit, you could barely see, three poles stood in the room. The class was very small, only 6 women total. We started with floor work, stretching, arching, moving ever so slowly. I especially liked lying on my stomach, slinking back with my butt in the air, and touching my curves. You are very encouraged to touch your curves and your “center” as they call it. I was very shocked that we were claiming our “centers” with touch. The whole 2 hour class could be construed as a little self pleasure practice in public, all this self touch, feeling sexy. I one pole trick and a very sexy little routine. IT was HOT! I felt HOT and that was most important.

I am very much looking forward to continuing this journey of sensual self discovery through these classes. Women, i highly, highly recommend checking out Sheila Kelly’s SFACTOR, it’s not just about stripping or pole dancing, it’s a personal journey. It’s about female empowerment and owning your erotic self! I love it!

Day 93- Dreams, Fairies, and Nipples

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Dreams of juicy sex! Woke up wanting to play…but had to wait. My co-author Jon Hanauer and I were supposed to be on Playboy Radio today. But it was cancelled due to the Hostess Tiffany Granath being sick. I hope she is feeling better. Since I now had the day free I did a lot catch up writing, but took a break for my Self-Pleasure practice. I climbed up into the love loft, where I plugged in a new Massage Wand. It’s called the Fairy Wand. I was also sent the attachment for internally stimulation but it was smelly. I was hesitant to try it because I wasn’t sure about toxicity, it’s important not to put toxic stuff in our vaginas. (So I checked the site and the attachment it totally body safe- maybe I should have checked it out so that I could relax about it!) I didn’t get all that into it. I was worried about the toxic smell and my wrists were really hurting from all of the writing I’ve been doing. I spent more time massaging my wrists with the Fairy Wand. Hey, this is self pleasure and if my genitals aren’t feeling it then why not go somewhere else on my body? Massaging my wrists did bring me pleasure.

I also finally tried the pretty little nipple clamps that Eden Fantasys sent me. I think because I am still breastfeeding I just wasn’t into it. I was more interested in putting them on my clit. And at a later date I could see using them on my partner. I gave up on clamps and the fairy wand and went to a wooden toy by Nobessesnce and with my own clitoral stimulation until I had a great orgasm.

Day 92- Kegelcisor and Phone Sex

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I was on Playboy Radio almost a month ago when one of the callers gave me a homework assignment to try phone sex. I came home and did some research and found a number on Betty Dodson’s site– 1800 EROTICA. I went into the session feeling like I wouldn’t really be able to get into it and that it would ultimately turn out to be cheesy and dumb. I was wrong.

Here’s my experience…

I was nervous, and I had been putting this assignment off, so I was somewhat pushing myself through resistance to try this. Today, is the day! First, I picked out a toy to play with. I got my new favorite lube– Aloe Cadabra, and a Kegelcisor. I read the instructions on the Kegelcisor, lubed up and dialed the number for the phone sex line. First they wanted to verify my age, I had to answer a few questions to an automatic service. It was discreet and non-invasive. Plus, free I might add. Then they asked if I was a man or a woman and if I was looking for a man or a woman. Next, I was asked to make a personal message. So, I recorded a short blurb about play and experimentation. Then I was given a number of messages to listen to from men. I was surprised that some of them were really sweet, some were very erotic, and some I knew right away that I wasn’t interested in. Almost instantly I started getting private messages and invites for connection. Some of the private messages were very arousing. I’m putting it all out there, so I have to admit that the more arousing ones were men describing what they were doing or what they wanted to do. I was less turned on by messages about age, hair color, location, weight or whatever. While I listened to the messages I started in with clitoral stimulation and playing with the Kegelcisor. I loved the weight of the Kegelcisor and the idea that I was working my pelvic floor muscles. I finally did choose someone to connect with. It was a message about teaching me how this all worked. Ultimately the sex educator in me won out. I wanted to learn so that I could teach! Unfortunately, the caller was no longer on the line, so I went back to listening to the sea of erotic voices out there. All of them seemed to want anonymous erotic connection. I rode the sea of male voices on the line, that was pretty much enough for me. Some of their messages I played over and over. I had three orgasms that rolled into each other, first two vaginal orgasm and then a deep clitoral orgasm. And right when a voice said “I would really like to be there when you have an orgasm”. Well, he got his wish.

I hung up the phone and kept playing with the Kegelcisor. I did about 5 minutes of specific exercises for my pelvic floor muscles. It felt great post orgasm, like a deep massage after an intense workout.

I would actually recommend this. It was fun, it was exciting and new, and I felt in control of who I wanted to talk to. And it was pleasurable! The thought did cross my mind that some people might consider phone sex cheating. I’m in an open relationship so it isn’t an issue for me. However, I could see how some people might get triggered by it. On another note, phone sex is safe sex. You don’t have to worry about STD’s, STI’s or emotional entanglements.

Day 91- A Sleepy Farewell

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The house was crazy today as my partner prepared to leave for the Burningman festival in the middle of the desert. It took forever to get the baby to sleep and I didn’t have much time for my self-pleasure, regardless I did do some self-genital massage in preparation for some farewell lovemaking with my partner. But, the massage was so relaxing, that I fell asleep! He came in in the wee hours (who knows what time it was) and woke me up. We were both too exhausted for much other than kissing, touching and cuddling, which was fine with me. It was a sweet farewell as he journeyed off into the desert for a week of mayhem and magic.

Day 90- A Good Cry!

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Releasing Emotion Can Be Pleasurable!

My mood only darkened since yesterday. I have no idea what is up with me, except that my partner is about to go away to a festival called Burningman, and I am staying home. It’s this continued mourning of my old life, my old body, my sense of loss of who I used to be. I know that I’ve been holding a lot of emotion in, staying strong for everyone around me. Why do we do that? What is it that makes us think that not crying or falling apart is strong? I think it takes strength to fall apart and let the emotions wash over us. So, tonight I invited myself to just fall apart. I got in the shower and started to lightly touch myself all over as the hot water poured down on my neck and shoulders. I curled up in the bathtub and let the water rain down on me. i tried some clitoral stimulation as I laid there, but my body seemed non-responsive. Then the tears came. Ah, what a pleasurable relief. Sometimes tears are like orgasms coming out the eyes. It felt good to let that go. But I knew there was more. I got out of the shower and decided to journal as way to continue to move this emotion, this great grief to flow through and out. As I wrote I realized many things, one that really set me crying was how much I missed my partner. Overall, we have done very well as new parents, but in all the logistics and lack of time, I miss him dearly. I miss laying in bed on Sunday mornings, making love, walking to the beach together for brunch, going home, making love some more, dancing…I miss being languishing lovers. I miss all the touching, kissing and lovemaking. I let the tears flow and it felt so good. I started feeling better instantly. Sometimes, all we need is a good cry!

Day 89- Ecstatic Dance for Pleasure

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My Partner and I Dancing During Pregnancy

I love to dance. When I have been down in the dumps, when I have been heart broken, when I have been high on love, when I need to go within- I dance. Ecstatic Dance has been incredibly healing for me and the dance community in Los Angeles has been a sanctuary. Dancing in this way is a form of prayer for me. I used to dance at least 2 times a week, sometimes 5. Since having my son (1 year and 5 months ago) I have been to dance a total of maybe 5 times.

Today is my partner’s birthday and his wish was to go to dance with me. We met on the dance floor, our bodies falling into each other, me surrendering completely and life has never been the same since. Today, I wanted the dance to be about pleasure. How could I move my body for the most pleasure? The music was already playing when we arrived. I started with stretching and massaging my body deeply. My partner approached me for a dance. Our bodies are now familiar to each other and we can fall in easily, but today I was struggling. It’s this struggle between my old life, when I wasn’t a mom, when i lived so freely. His body on mine did bring me back into the moment. I love contact dancing. It’s like a body to body massage. It feels amazing. I got back to being with myself. it was about an hour into the dance when they played this great tribal song that brought my body into a familiar movement. My hips wiggles, my wrists twirled, I spun in happiness. That was what I remembered, I used to Belly Dance, I even led a Drum and Dance troupe for awhile. I made a note to myself to find some Belly Dance classes. That would bring me pleasure. Unfortunately, that was the height of my ecstasy and I would come down with a big crash. It was like the dance just reminded me of what I was missing, or the life I no longer lead. It is time to get back to myself, but I left feeling unclear of what that is? I guess it all comes down to what it is that I really want out of life. I am a pleasure seeker, but I also seek stillness, meditation, going in. I invite myself into a deeper commitment of personal practice, a commitment to self-care, self-love and self-discovery.

Day 88-Cervical Massage and Exploration

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I’m feeling very emotional as I write this. I just finished a long session of cervical massage and exploration. I want to cry. I had great pleasure, don’t get me wrong. My tears are about the changes in my body. Having a baby seems to change everything. Before I got pregnant I was very close with my vulva, vagina and cervix. I remember back to the first time I ever saw my cervix. I was the youngest in a group of women from age 29-over 70. We were learning how to do self examinations. That day was a day that changed my life forever. I got to see my own cervix and my os (the opening to the cervix) which was a tiny little round hole, so beautiful and perfect. At the moment I was looking I started my menstrual cycle and it seems like and utter miracle happening before my eyes. I kept my speculum that was given to me that day and have checked in on my os from time to time.

Today was the first time looking at my cervix since giving birth. It is no longer a tiny little hole, now it is a big slit, almost looks like a vagina inside my vagina, only lying sideways. I am morning the fact that my body has changed. Giving birth was amazing and I love my baby, but sometimes I want everything to go back. At the moment that I was looking I wasn’t mourning, just exploring, it’s just now that I am feeling these feelings. The shift from maiden to mother has not been easy, the hardest part being all of the changes in my body. I am sure that I will continue to fall in love with the “new” me, but at this moment I am sad, and that is okay.

I prepared for the session with my speculum, a mirror, so lube, and a flashlight. After putting in my speculum and visually exploring my cervix, I decided to do some cervical massage. So I removed the speculum and I massaged around my cervix with one finger tip, going around and around in circles. My cervix felt softer than I remembered it. Then I used two fingers to massage circles around my cervix, then directly on it. I could put my finger tip slightly into the os, which felt pretty good. This all felt nice and I could feel my cervix respond. I wanted to feel “uterine flight” (when the cervix moves up and back, so that you can get deeper penetration) and “uterine pulsing” (the cervix moves up and down at the moment of orgasm. I kept my index finger on top of my cervix and my middle finger on the bottom. Then with my other hand I gave myself clitoral stimulation. Trying to keep my fingers on my cervix was hard. As I got more aroused it was harder and harder to reach which tells me that “uterine flight” was happening. I could actually feel it with my fingers. But it was difficult for me to have an orgasm with my fingers trying to reach my cervix, so I turned to G-spot and A-spot stimulation. This got me highly aroused and I ended up having a number of vaginal orgasms, upon which I would go deep to my cervix so that I could feel it’s movement. I really wanted to feel the different between the vaginal orgasm and clitoral orgasm, so I kept working my clitoris with my fingers deep on my cervix. At the moment of clitoral orgasm I didn’t feel the same bobbing of the cervix as I did with vaginal orgasm. This is interesting to note. Directly after all these orgasms I wanted to look at my cervix again. I was impressed with how healthy and pink it looked. It also seems swollen with arousal, and it looked a little more open when I checked post orgasm. I hoped up quickly and came down from the loft, a little too quickly, my legs were shaking and I was feeling really high from all of the orgasms. It wasn’t until about 15 minutes later that I got hit with emotion, which I don’t see as a bad thing, I am allowing the sadness to flow as I mourn my maiden body and come to terms with loving myself and my body as a mother.